Becoming a mother.

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I realized.
I realized I was deathly afraid.
Deathly afraid of change and changing.
I was afraid of the transformation
from being a girl,
to a woman,
to becoming a mother.

I was so afraid and my whole body,
my entire being was screaming.
My physical body was
stretched,
ripped,
bruised
and bleeding.

And I thought it was okay
because that’s what I believed
a sacrifice of a mother was.
I thought this is what mothers do.
That is what we were taught to believe.
Emotionally and mentally,
i was getting so intensely small.
And my baby was taking over all of me.
I was surrendering my life.
All of it.
and rightly so.
I wanted to do this.
It was my choice to do this.
This noble act.
Of being a mother.
It presumably seemed so noble in concept.
In a hypothetical sense.
within one’s imagination.
But the reality of it was so…
exquisitely painstaking.
Who am I?
Where did I go?
She’s somewhere deep inside
between here and there.
I turn myself in.
To receive myself.
And myself is all I know.
So all I know is nothing anymore.
Or perhaps just something of old.
An antiquated term
I call someone else
I’m in a different dimension.
I’m no longer me.
But I am still the same person.
So it seems……
Perhaps I’m just afraid of changing…
Too quickly.
Perchance it is a choice.
But the process takes time.
She was a part of me.
But she is not me.
I am a mother.
Remember…
I am a mother.
What is a mother?
Selfish to say…
I realized….
I was just deathly afraid to give all of myself. Too soon.
It just takes time.
To learn.
To love.
Me.
All of me.
So I can love.
You.
All of you.
I give all of me.
To all of you.
Not because I am obliged.
But because I desire.
Love.
Is sacrifice.
Only in the eyes of those looking in.
A mother views differently.
My perspective states otherwise:
Love.
Love is the essence of happiness.
Pure. Pure. Happiness.
Just give me time,
my dear Sophrosyne.
I know I said I’d give you the world.
I promise.
I’m preparing myself.
To give you the world…
that is
All of me.

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